https://slama.dev/comeback/
Eight Small Hydras.
Lucie Vondráčková, eight.
Five Satan's Boletes.
Honza Nedvěd, five.
Thirty Steel Wools.
Eva Farná, thirty.
I don't get it.
Birthmark.
Fifteen Bald Bores.
Danda, fifteen.
Tomáš, how can you keep putting up with this from Ozzák?
He keeps the sales records on this thing.
His documents are a mess.
He wallpapered the storage room with the invoices from February 2004.
September 2005 blew away in the wind and don't even get me started on June 2006, because I have my dignity.
Calm down!
We'll manage everything with Helenka.
Yeah, I already told you, I've had her since... '92.
Seven times.
The first Czech accounting program.
We've been pulling together in business since the start.
And she's never betrayed me.
Unlike our accountant.
You're being unfair to her.
The woman can't count.
Yeah, and deserting right before the tax office inspection, that's what I call outright betrayal.
Come, come here, come on.
Careful.
Jesus, this takes forever.
Zoran has the Alexis 2008 program.
You should see it, super fast.
It can even handle creative accounting.
You type in whatever loss you want and it takes care of everything.
No, no.
Better slow but proper.
Have a coffee, I'll be done in a bit.
Yeah.
I'll put on coffee for him.
I'll have some when I feel like it.
Once the inspectors get everything from Helenka nice and tidy in neat columns, they won't even think to look at the state of our paperwork.
And that's the point, because sometimes they look like someone used them to clog a toilet drain.
You mean March 2006?
For God's sake.
He actually did that?
Luckily he was just straining mortar through them.
Tomáš, I've found out.
Still says error disk?
Yeah.
You know, Tomáš, it could be worse.
It can't.
Iva called a moment ago.
She went with Saša to meet the Dalai Lama.
Lexa couldn't go because he has chicken pox.
That's not so terrible.
The girls took Ozzák instead.
Do you still think it could be worse?
It could.
I've already found out who they're sending from the tax office.
It's Otto Schluss.
Otto Schluss?
Bulldog Otto.
A few years ago he audited the electric company.
They had to raise electricity prices to cover the penalties.
Twice.
Ozzák sold some music.
Halloween, two copies.
Hi, dad.
Peace be with you.
Where's Ozzák?
Was he arrested or did he escape?
Bro, don't you know I banned you from religious events ever since you told the Pope about goulash with sixers?
He shouldn't wear the same hat as the cook at the Rotunda.
He actually didn't embarrass us today, if you don't count the nagging about schnitzels.
Goose schnitzels are part of every feast.
The lecture was called "The Path to Enlightenment."
That's what it was.
Ground floor.
The ground floor had the same squat as the balcony.
Not even a meatball.
But that guy in the bedsheet spoke well.
Mr. Ozzák, that was His Holiness the Dalai Lama.
Nonsense.
I can still tell a man from a woman, can't I?
I liked how he said we should seek the light and follow it.
And when I told him that's pretty hard because someone keeps stealing the lightbulbs in the bathroom at the Jezevec pub.
Good Lord.
So he patted me on the head and gave me this fat guy.
He said it'll show me the way.
Then tell it to show you really fast.
Come on, if we don't get this sorted soon, we're in big trouble.
Big trouble!
The Dalai Lama
says that if a problem has a solution, there's no need to worry.
If it doesn't, worrying won't help.
I'd like to see your Dalai Lama, what he'd do if his accounting for November was on soup packet wrappers and the tax office inspection is in two days.
Good evening.
And if germ carriers broke into his apartment?
Hey, bro.
Mom says you have to run to the pharmacy for me.
I hope it won't be cod liver oil again, like when I had a broken rib.
So what?
Until you're healthy, don't come in here.
OUT!
The Dalai Lama says anger and hatred are like a fishhook.
You need to make sure you haven't gotten caught on it.
My thoughts exactly.
Ozzák, if you don't stop bugging me, you'll go look for the invoices from September 2005.
And you know what that means!
Come on, show me the way to the Jezevec.
Free Tibet.
What do you think?
Iva, that suits you.
Lexa, can you even go out in public with those spots?
I can.
Shame.
The potassium permanganate isn't working.
Potassium permanganate.
Mom says we're poor and three medicines have to be enough for everything.
Cod liver oil, potassium permanganate, and a jog around the park.
The jog is the worst, but works the best.
I've drunk a whole bottle of that purple gunk and still nothing.
I don't get it.
So if the Tibetans are being oppressed, why don't they make a deal with some big country to protect them?
China, for example, is pretty close.
Ozzák, it's a bit more complicated than that.
Oh sure, they let themselves be oppressed and then look forward to the reincarnation.
They die, get born again and they're fine.
Yeah, you mean reincarnation.
Well, I'd like to be born as something different.
Something nice that people are interested in and love.
Like a pony.
Well that's going to be tough, because people get reincarnated as animals as punishment for behaving badly.
Really?
I'd want to be Ozzák again in my next life.
It suits me.
But when you reincarnate, you're born in a different time and to different people.
Oh really?
What if I was born to you?
What?
No, not now, later, when you find yourself a proper man.
Oh man.
Iva, will you marry me?
Lexa, don't you ever ask me that again.
Now go and get treatment.
Iva.
Sis, you tripped me.
Not good enough for a pony.
Now we'll see.
Careful.
You saved them.
Shame.
Marcelka, could you go to the back for a moment?
Count how many Boney M. albums we have back there. Good as new.
And clean as the word of God.
So without Helenka you have to re-enter everything?
Wait.
You've been entering data into it?
Well of course, it has the accounting in it.
Man, have you lost your mind?
You don't know.
What?
That program was made by a complete nutcase.
He was going through a divorce, was angry at the whole world, so instead of a calculator he built in a random number generator.
So...
But I never needed a calculator.
Helenka always calculated everything herself.
Calculated, more like guessed, like playing the lottery.
The odds of getting it right were about one in a million.
Only four copies were sold before they figured it out.
One went to the Kladno police, one to IPB bank, and one to some Mrs. Husáčková.
And she was the only one who didn't go to jail.
Because she was the oldest citizen in the Liberec region.
Helenka?
Yeah, right, Helenka, Helenka.
That was actually his wife's name.
Alright, so here we go.
Nice to meet you.
And I'll send you the invoice.
For the accounting, so you have it in order.
Goodbye.
Shall we have a coffee?
Don't worry, Tomáš.
Tomorrow I'll bring Alexis.
Maybe we'll manage somehow before that guy from the tax office arrives.
Schluss, Otto.
I believe you were just talking about me.
You see, Mr. Schluss, we've had a rather unpleasant incident.
You haven't by any chance lost your accounting records?
How did you guess?
A lucky guess.
I'll check the original documents.
Unless they burned down, or something?
And is that a big complication?
Not really.
But it makes me grumpy and when I'm grumpy, I tend to be thorough during inspections.
Are you making coffee?
I'll put the water on right away.
One-to-one Arabica with Robusta, unpasteurized milk, goat.
You don't have any.
Well, never mind.
And where will you seat me?
By law I'm entitled to a quiet, clean environment.
In the storage room.
Here in the storage room you'll have peace and quiet, and it'll be clean too.
Marcelka will sweep.
Do we have a broom?
I'll buy one.
This reminds me of the enriched uranium storage where they put me in Temelín.
I felt quite cramped there.
And when I feel cramped...
You get thorough?
Yes, I get thorough.
Just a moment.
I just had an idea.
In case you fancy a little snack.
Why thank you.
How did you know I'm on a diet?
Oh come on now.
They had bigger ones in Temelín.
They grow them there themselves.
They have a little greenhouse in the cooling tower.
They took good care of me.
I gained 40 kilos there.
You can't even tell.
It didn't do them any good.
Then I arranged an audit in Františkovy Lázně.
They prepared a special program for me there.
Diet, yoga, meditation.
And how did that turn out?
I'm thin as a reed.
And how long does an audit take for a small company like mine?
A day, two, a year.
It varies.
Depends on how much you find.
But when nothing is found, it goes quickly, right?
Something always turns up.
You just have to look hard enough.
Hi, dad.
I'd like to...
Ivuška, this is Mr. Schluss.
He's doing our audit, so it doesn't matter what you want, because you should want it somewhere else.
But this is important.
What is it?
A Tibetan flag.
We have to hang it in protest against China.
We tried at school, but the principal told us that human rights have no place at the grammar school.
Well, it won't work here either.
Mr. Schluss needs peace and quiet and he couldn't care less about China.
Right?
Not at all.
We could learn from China.
There, when you owe more than 100,000 yuan in taxes, they chop off both your hands.
Well, you heard him.
No flag and that's final.
Besides, it would block Mr. Schluss's light and when something blocks Mr. Schluss's light, he gets thorough.
Little girl, give me back that pen.
Ouch.
Oh, Saša!
Sorry, she wants to be a pony.
And why is he laughing like that?
Because he doesn't give a damn about anything.
He reminds me of a classmate from elementary school.
Mirek Kláda.
He had dropsy.
Did he laugh too?
All the time.
Then it could be him.
This one can simply say, in my next life I want to be Kláda.
And he is Kláda.
Now that's what I call a win.
And since when are you interested in this stuff?
Since I got to know those Tibetans.
I think reincarnation seems like a pretty good idea.
You die, get born again, wait eleven, twelve years and you can drink again.
Hey.
Auntie, could I hang this up here?
No football, I don't want my regulars fighting in here.
It's not a party flag.
And what regulars?
Ozzák would have to fight with himself here.
That's happened before.
Alright, hang it up there, at least it'll cover up that scribble.
Whoa, who did that?
Saša.
She surprised me, that girl.
Did she run out of chalk?
More like courage.
She threw the chalk down, shrieked something, and ran away.
Hey, Ivona, leave it.
What kind of mom would I be if I didn't keep my children's drawings?
Bye.
Mom, I still think it's not working.
So what are you waiting for?
To the park, go.
At least three laps.
April 2005.
I'm used to a lot, but...
February accounting on election flyers, March on coffee filters, and April on envelope liners?
I've never seen that before.
You see, my brother has his own strong views on keeping accounting records.
Very original.
The only thing he hasn't used yet is toilet paper.
Well then you shouldn't audit June 2006.
That's not past the statute of limitations.
We're missing September 2005.
You see, Mr. Schluss...
That September sort of blew away on us.
April on envelope liners and September blew away.
You have one day to get those records together.
And do you think we could somehow manage without that September?
I doubt it.
That would be expensive.
Got any matches?
You think it's time to cover your tracks?
Death is just a gateway to a new life, but people are afraid to walk through it.
Hm?
That was nicely said.
Then it's not Kláda.
He was just grunting.
I wonder what it's like being dead.
Why do you keep going on about death?
I did something bad and I think I totally wrecked my karma.
Karma.
I lost some invoices for my brother and now I'm scared I'll be in trouble with him because of it.
Like I might get born somewhere else, you know?
Or as something gross.
Like DJ Bobo.
I thought I'd never say this to you of all people, but stop drinking for today.
Today is fading, tomorrow may never come, so what certainty is there in life?
An installment plan.
Right.
What's that flag doing in the window?
It's a symbol that our shop stands on the side of good.
Take it down immediately.
Why?
What if some Chinese person came to shop here?
Dad, the Chinese don't shop, the Chinese copy.
Then get yourself a lapel pin, protest as a private citizen and don't drag our business into economic isolation.
Dad, that auditor is still here.
Yes, but don't disturb him now.
He's relaxing.
Has he already had his hands on March 2006?
Why?
Well, it's just that he probably wouldn't be happy to find out those weren't coffee filters.
Fine.
Three days the flag can stay, then you buy yourself a pin.
Thanks, dad.
Anti-diarrhea pills.
Children, Tomáš, you know, the rebellious phase.
Fine, but why is this rebellion aimed at me.
Marcelka, Schluss wants September 2005.
Jesus, well, I don't know.
Could I bring some invoices from Zoran?
I think tanks, land mines and quickite won't pass Schluss's inspection.
My husband is a businessman, not a mobster.
But you said he fired a bazooka on New Year's Eve.
Anyway, Schluss said it's going to be expensive without that September.
I'm not going to send my own brother to his death over the tax office.
Mirek Kláda?
So you came from there?
For the audit.
I wouldn't have expected you here.
Nobody does.
Still got that sense of humor.
Hey, do you remember anything from before you came here?
What was it like there?
Cramped.
And enlightenment, did you experience it?
Fortunately not.
I had a dosimeter.
A dosimeter?
So they have dosimeters there?
They're mandatory there.
I know why you came.
Because of those invoices, right?
That too.
So if I bring that September, we'll be cool?
Definitely more than now.
Thanks.
You're a legend.
You know, Mr. Schluss...
Yes?
Spending time together like this...
I've realized how easily friendship between men can develop.
You think so?
Well yes, that's why I'd very much like to give you this little something.
Well, so you'll remember me fondly...
I'm the one who wrote the introduction.
South Bohemia in Photography.
You might like the photograph on page 246.
Boubín.
I don't like it.
No, 346, I made a mistake, 346.
Look, Mr. Pacovský, when I convert this to a percentage of income, you're offering me more than the guys from the electric company, but let's each stay on our own side of the barricade.
So we can't do without September 2005.
Do you even realize what an inhuman system you're part of?
A system that forces a person to choose between debtors' prison and frying his own brother?
Bro, I've got September 2005.
That fat guy showed me the way.
Well you see, you just have to look hard enough.
So to sum it up, something always turns up.
However, compared to Temelín, it wasn't exactly a big explosion.
But I had to reassess your tax for the years 2003, 2005 and 2006.
Such errors in the totals, I've never seen the likes.
Nevertheless, the total comes to 120,378 crowns.
But...
However, for the years 2004 and 2007 you have such absurd overpayments for the same reason that we'll actually be returning 8 crowns to you.
You can request them by registered mail.
Well, take care.
I've got the Czech Gas Company next.
Goodbye.
I haven't heard that in a long time.
Someone should have a talk with Saša.
Yeah.
Helenka.
You came out better than one acquaintance of mine.
I didn't want to tell you.
But when he found out Schluss was coming for an audit, he set fire to his asbestos mine.
He even caught him putting the gasoline in his expenses.
Tomáš, I have a gift for you.
Please.
Alexis 2008.
Recommended by the Icelandic Ministry of Finance and Viktor Kožený.
Good day.
Hi, mom.
I see the spots are gone.
Nothing like a good run in the park, right?
Actually, I went to the doctor.
The teacher sent me there because she couldn't stand looking at my spotty face anymore.
Well, I'll have to have a word with her.
I decide when my kids are sick, got it?
You're not even going to ask me what the doctor said?
Well?
The first spots were apparently just regular rashes and the rest were an allergy to the potassium permanganate.
There were always problems with you.
Want to hear that at least Sašenka got better?
His Holiness is looking for spiritual music.
Your wish shall be granted.
You shall become a pony of Velhase.
Yeah!
Does the young lady know that a pony of Velhase must carry at least twice its own weight?